Chinglish

The opportunity I've been searching for:

Rice.

Accommodation or new dance style? You can't say it without smiling.

"letoh ssensiub gnijiiew" Nobody noticed it was backwards or nobody cared?

Walking: no. Skipping: yes.

Also, come with your own toilet paper.

The French...... am I right?

Confucius once said...

Singing birds and flourishing flowers are natural fire fighters.

"Milky way waterfall. Its torrent dashes down from a very high place."

"The Spring of Bamboo Fairy. Fragrant flowers flourish for the kind tourists; the water is clean for the clear spring."

Seriously tho.

The view was quite beautiful though, can't argue with that. 

Pan Qiao Xi Takes on China

Pronounced: Pan Chao She
Or, said quickly: Pan Chelsea
So the title means Pan Qiao Xi (Chelsea Pyne) pulls another stunt.


In a way, I'm used to being the minority. Often I've been the only female on the team or American in my group of European friends. And I've always stood out, but never quite like being the lanky, green-eyed girl surround by millions of dark heads.


I was warned before I arrived in China that people would want a photo. I thought, "great, this will be hilarious." And it was, to a point. It happened quite often that I couldn't keep a straight face when my bright, bulbous eyes caught people by surprise. We both shocked each other to an extent.

But the stares became exhausting. I guess because when American men stare at me, it’s because they like me or they don't like me. Or it’s possible I’ve got some leftover ice cream on my face. Either way, their interest in me can become unnerving.

In China, the men (and women and children) have an innocent curiosity. But I cant help but feel just a little bit violated by their gaze. If I lived in a city of 10 million tall, big-eyed, white faces and had a tiny Chinaman wander through my streets, I’d probably stop too. I might even call out “Ni Hao!” and giggle and run when he responded with a polite hello.

But the staring became exhausting because I had to stare back. And for longer. Because after a few seconds it turns into a contest of respect. “I’m not afraid of you.” “What you looking at?” “You looking at me?” “Nope, I’m looking at you. All the way home. Go on. Git.”

It’s funny because they’re not looking at me because I’m picking my nose in public (which is totally normal in China), but because I have light hair. I have to assume it is my hair, because even when I wore my sunnies they knew I was foreigner– and they started creeping hard.

Anyways, a lot of my time was devoted to this don’t blink or look away first contest. I wanted to make the onlooker feel the same uncomfortableness. He would look away, and then glance back. Catch my steady gaze, turn away again. Sneak one last look just to see that I’m still on fire. Finally, he would retreat back to his day.

The men were bad with their gaze, but the women at least knew how to give a compliment.

“Where you from?”
“USA.”
“Ok, I know it. You very beautiful.”
“Yes,” I agreed.

The people, however many, are truly kind. Chinese people are sort of like onions. Sometimes they are so pungent and seemingly unsweet that after a good whiff I want to cry. The constant spitting and yelling ("talking") is overwhelming. I’ve seen enough women squat down and let it rain in front of me. The men like to lift up their shirts and cool off their big bellies in the middle of the mall or train station or wherever they see fit. I can't help but draw back my face in disgust. Not to be rude, but reflexes– you know. On the other hand, after I had spent time with individuals, they became caramelized into the sweetest and most accommodating people I've met.

Once I peeled back the rough exterior and got down into their layers, the air started smelling more of the sweetest monk tea fragrance and less of smog.

I had so many Chinese friends and strangers go far out of their way to make sure I got whatever I needed. A bus, a meal, a ticket, a translation, a beer. Didn’t matter, they really meant well and did their best to help out this giant goofy girl. Granted, I usually ended up doing them a favor as well.

“Ok, Ok. Picture?”
“Sure. Say Cheeseeee.”
Silence.
We review the picture, they nod.
“I am very beautiful,” I tell them.
They smile at me blankly and say thank you and bye bye.

This is the owner of a famous restaurant in the capital of Hunan. She gave us a huge bag of egg rice krispies to take home for breakfast. Weird, but good.

My favorite moment happened during a mini crisis.

My dad and I had lost our friend Kurt in the Zhangjiaije National Forest Park. This park is ginormous. We were separated and told to meet at a certain mountain entrance. Of course, we got off at the wrong bus stop. I flagged down another bus and got off at a different bus stop (still not the one we needed). We were put on a third bus headed in the opposite direction, and alas, got off at the wrong stop again. It was here we decided to frantically search for our friend, or find a way to contact him.

I approached a long line of people to see if Kurt was waiting among them. I had to step up onto a platform and poke my head out a window to look over a crowd. As I did, I ascended over a group of 30 school children in bright blue jumpsuits. They looked like a gymnastics team.

It took but .5 seconds for a little girl to spot me. Almost breathlessly, she said “wooowww” when she saw me. She even did a little hand gesture like she was forming a rainbow in front of her. When her classmates heard and saw her, they also looked up.

In a choir of awe, they stared excitedly at me. Taken aback, I quickly smiled and shouted, “Ni hao!” They erupted. Cheers took over and I felt like Britney Spears on her comeback tour.

They screamed Ni Hao back to me and one little boy pushed his way to the front of his Olympic-bound team. He pointed to me and said “You cheerreader?” No… I shook my head, “Wo shi bu cheerleader.” Their disappointment was almost palpable.

Never have I regretted a word so much. If only my parents had given me pompoms as a child, damn it! However, I still think the encounter wasn't a total loss. But the boy's hurt was obvious as he slunk away, no longer interested in me.

There was another girl who was dressed in traditional Chinese garments. She donned a bright pink top and long, flowy skirt with silver headwear. Her hair was straight black that reached her bum– as was fashionable back in the day. Of course, she was just working the 9-5 and wanted 20 RMB for a photo. Although I did not want this, I nodded to her “No thank, but very pretty.” To which she replied very seriously, “You’re very beautiful.” To which I replied, even more seriously, and incorporated a point to emphasis my words, “No, you’re beautiful.” Her hands flew up to cover her mouth as she giggled hysterically.

I never knew I was so funny or beautiful until I came to China.

One girl we met followed me on Instagram. After I returned to censorship-free Saint Martin, I was able to check out her account. I really loved seeing a photo of us together in a random cave in China. Even though all we knew about her was that she spoke English from working in a Hooters in Shanghai– at least we have that memory recorded in a selfie.

^My friends who made China great. My experience in China was a thousand times better thanks to their invaluable information and kindness.

Zhangjiajie National Forest Park

Zhangjiajie (pronounced chang-gee-ah-gee-eh) is China's first national forest park. Absolutely the most impressive place I've ever been. Not only are the mountain formations amazing, the fact that the Chinese were able to build an entire park around it, over it and under it was almost equally spectacular.

The area is a UNESCO World Heritage site and a Global Geopark. The karst mountains were formed over millions of years by the sea. Creating sandstone peaks with vegetation everywhere.

One thing that kept creeping into my mind was how the trees were able to grow on the very tops of the rock. No soil? No problem. If a tree can sustain life here, then at least I can accomplish a few of my own goals. Thanks, trees... for putting things into perspective for me.

The Austrian-made cablecars were impeccable. We had to throw down a whopping $11 a person to ride, but being Westerns on vacation, we agreed. I'm still trying to figure out how they were built. Keep in mind, there's no real path up to the mountains here. Jagged rock 90% of the way. And since we often saw workers carrying buckets of cement on their backs, it made us wonder how dedicated these people are. I would have liked to ask them, but we found very few English speakers among us.

This blue sky was not often seen in China. Not much later in the day the rain picked up and the wind kicked in. I was wearing shorts. To my surprise, the Chinese men and women found this hilarious. I've never been so openly ridiculed. I was shamed into buying a rain jacket and wool shaw. No more pointing and laughing at me! I'm still bitter.

This quartz-sandstone pillar has been renamed "Avatar Hallelujah Mountain" thanks to its fame in the movie. Which is how Westerns really became aware of this place. Funny enough, the director said the scenery was an inspiration for the movie, but they had no affiliation with the park. Of course, the Chinese brushed that aside and took credit for the movie. I would too.

Strange enough, we saw about three birds in the park. There were monkeys, though. My father, despite the signs: "do none teasing to the monkey," tried feeding them a muffin. Giant salamanders are also said to be around, though I only saw them on menus.

The day when I invested in a selfie stick, and my life changed forever.

Natural Pools

I've been hearing about the natural pools for over a year now. We live a good 45 minutes from the area, so we never had reason to be in the neighborhood for a quick dip. But after much complaint, we finally set a date to explore them. So, to celebrate April Fools (does that need celebrating?) we took the pups for a swim. The pool is a quick and easy hike off of south coast of St. Martin. The hardest part was finding the right streets to traverse to get there. We had a full view of St. Barths (something we never see from the French side) and the area was virtually empty. The pups had a blast racing and tumbling around the jagged rocks and cliff drop offs. No injuries, so no worries.. Zola, who is still but a wee pup, even though she's bigger than Margo, needed a little push to get in the water.

"bitchimfabulous." –Margo

More Margos Please

No one will ever give you as much attention and affection as a dog will. They're so important for health– and good health is a form of happiness. So throw your cat out and adopt a pup! Practicing yoga and eating yogurt has never been so fun. If Margo didn't help with my garden (by retrieving my plants from the soil), I'd say she'd be close to perfect.

She can be so majestic and intuitive...

...and then she can get her face stuck in a yogurt container.

St. Martin Scuba

In July I finally started my shark search in full force. As I have plans to write a book on sharks, I figured it's probably best I work with them up close. A few years ago I met nine Great Whites off the coast of South Africa. But since the Caribbean sharks don't swim close to my shores, I decided to go to them.

So I started my scuba certification at Ocean Explorers in Simpson Bay, Sint Maarten. This group was fantastic. I felt that I truly belonged with them, and they shared my love of ocean life, as they should.

We went on four dives total and I told them every morning we should go where the sharks are. Although some other divers disagreed, I finally got my way on the last two dives. Aboard the boat, we drove a few miles south to a sunken bridge. This was the old bridge in the lagoon that was replaced, so it became an artificial reef for the fish. Here we found a baby nurse shark under part of the structure. Even though one instructor ensured the group that sharks don't come to this spot, I was full of glee when he found me during the dive and made the shark fin symbol. I quickly (yet slowly) swam after him to the spot of the nurse shark.

On the last dive, we went to a shipwreck a few miles off of the coast. After gaining the confidence of my instructors (they said I was a natural), I was the first one in the water descending 70 ft. As I gripped the rope and started acclimatizing so that my ears wouldn't burst, two reef sharks started circling me.

Most people would get a bit nervous. Being the only one in the water, haven dived four times in my life, with two sharks circling.

It was a dream come true. We were peas in a pod. Both so curious about each other. When I finally reached the 70ft bottom, one got so close I thought he was going to bump me. I, of course, reached out to greet him, but he quickly swam off. We were not on that level yet. I was then scolded by my instructor for trying to touch marine life. (I did my underwater head nod/shoulder shrug apology, but come on, I would have done it again).

I do not have photos from the shipwreck, as it was too deep to take my camera down. But the dives pictured above were around 40ft. And even though it was July in the Caribbean, we were cold and translucent.